Sometimes when I meet someone with whom I share an intense connection, it generates in me a somewhat deep primitive urge to merge completely with the other. The possibility of climbing inside, moving and pushing their organs apart and completely inhabiting their body simply to witness their being as it moves consciously and unconsciously through the world seems intriguing at a minimum. I want to know the other, in ways that mere conversation cannot always satisfy.
In our culture we have learned that when such feelings arise, sex is an acceptable way to set the stage for this merger. But what if that was not an available option? What if we played with the idea that our need to merge with another being is something else entirely?
Recently I have met someone with whom I share a deep connection and thus feel this desire to meld with them. As I sit in awe of our connection I am moved to look at my primitive urges and the meaning behind them… after all, I am an eternal six year old constantly asking the universe “why?” as I search for truth.
Abandonment has become a topic of intense discussion between me and the universe as of late. Witnessing how my programming around abandonment plays out intrinsically within my life. I’ve an awareness of the other, and this awareness exists without me until I believe that I have convinced the other of my worth. Once convinced, the illusion is that I will be granted access to the merging (not necessarily sexually) between myself and them. In between that lies the issue of self worth. That if I am not exactly or at least in some ways what this person ordered as a friend or lover or (insert label here) then I will be rejected. My way around dealing with this has been to only accept into my life those who matched me, my values and beliefs so as not to run into any “unwanted” rejections. Fortunately that has slowly become a very limiting way to live as I discover how very much I love to truly love people.
Since my last post, I have been in deep meditation on this topic. Another person, with whom I share a beautiful connection, brought to the surface my awareness of this programming within me, and for that I am eternally grateful. The breakthrough was predisposed by an event that I was privileged to have been witness too, the ending of a man’s life at what began as an enjoyable evening with a friend. There is something quite beautiful about shock and its ability to launch us into awakening.
Witnessing a man jump three stories to his death, while contained within a crowd of just under 1,800 people drew me exponentially close to the concept of “all-one consciousness” as it seemed a sort of etheric community building exercise from the universe to have this experience with so many. This inevitably led to the complete awareness of how I and so many others create separation from one another. How we create a separation in our minds and thus our reality between everything outside of us that inevitably leads us to the very thing we do not want, but believe so deeply in - separation.
The state that I found myself in after this event I have learned is called Liminality. One of my favorite writers and truth seekers, Jonathan Zap wrote on this topic, as he points to a fabulous Wikipedia article written about Liminality, and quotes:
"The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.”
I find that we can happen into this state of consciousness in several different ways. Death is one way. Witnessing death or experiencing it within your life is a powerful way that brings forth new awareness from its sometimes painful depths. Another and often more pleasing way, is through Love. While in love, we find ourselves in this ambiguous state where our sense of identity dissolves as we completely open ourselves to the other. In the case of death, we often find ourselves unwillingly being forced open by the hand of fate and with Love we can be very willing to open ourselves to fate with another, to be able to take in more love.
When I met this new being there was a sense of familiarity that was undeniable, although I had never met this person in my life. When we connect with each other, I find myself baring my soul as if I am picking up right where it was that we had once left off. As if we grew up together and were witness to each of our lives and somehow lost touch. This sense within me gives way to a feeling of disappointment when I discover that their life and my life have differences that I never would have considered because of that feeling of closeness. And that our dissimilarity seems outwardly, to be enough for us to have very little connection at all. Interesting to me, we stand together absolved of separation and differences and allowing the energy of appreciation, of Liminality to just be. Suddenly I am face to face with myself, instantly aware of my programmed reactions to being different then another, instantly aware of my perceived separation and instantly aware that I am still, very much accepted by the other.
My only explanation for this is Love. Love is the only force that I am currently aware of that can allow people to look beyond such deep differences and allow for the openness of unknowing… to know that we do not know. To trust that our answers may not be the only answers and that creating openness to another is in effect a sort of lantern in the dark cave of disembodied certainty.
I’ve come to realize that separation and abandonment are an illusion created by our ego. We want to believe in it so much that we can inadvertently block beautiful potential within our entire lives and on all levels - work, relationships, career and love. When we consider the idea that we are indeed connected to one another, the earth, the water and animals. That we weave ourselves in and out of relation with all these beings and things always and that the package they come in makes little difference as the connection itself. Suddenly our relationship to them changes and we find ourselves opening and merging and becoming one with everything all the time. In that respect sex can in some ways seem so very superficial.
To Love is an action of consciousness. It is in the doing and the being that we “make love” happen every day. What would happen if we all considered making love without the use of our genitals? Could you be present with what comes up for you? Could you allow yourself to open fully to love anyway?
